RJ Bachler (arjei) wrote,
RJ Bachler

The 21st century equivalent

It's no longer "I don't want to hear my parents having sex." It's now "I don't want to know what Internet porn my parents are downloading."

Saturday. Birthday. I figure '1 pm! Good time to get to bed.'  Until I get told by my dad the the family's computer is fucked-up. I go up to it and check. He's telling me how he triple clicked something and the computer made a bunch of clicks and the background's changed and the computer slow. I see that it says some crap about adware detected you need to clean your system. I figure he over clicked something and set the image of a banner ad to the background. I set it back and reboot, just in case.

The background comes back, with a bug screen saver to boot. Oh fucking joy. So I try to pop open Task Manager to see what the hell is running. I get told by the computer that I do not have the administrative option to do that. So now I know something's on there. I kindly ask my old man just what in the fuck he was doing. He starts playing the avoidance game. I pop open IE's history...

Let's just say this: "What has been seen cannot be unseen!"

Anyway, I wonder why McAfee didn't catch it. I get told that McAfee was turned off because it made the computer slow and was telling my dad not to go to certain sites because of possible adware/spyware/viruses. Gee, I WONDER WHY. I reboot up McAfee and run it...

Halfway through the scan, the computer reboots itself. I fucking hope to hell it was something random.

I restart McAfee again. Halfway through the scan, the computer reboots itself again. I now know I am staring down a deep tunnel of fuck.

I try and start Ad-Aware, and realize... I forgot to install it on that system. Fuck. I Google it and try to get to a download site. IE, Firefox and Netscape all tell me it can't find ANY of them. More fuck. This time I reboot and go in under my user name. I try Task Manager, it actually starts and nothing weird is running, my stuff seems normal, background's fine... Okay, try to get to any Ad-Aware download site...

IE, Firefox and Netscape all tell me it can't find ANY of them. Metric fuckton of fuck. I say screw it, go to my system... and get to Cnet's Ad-Aware download site without a problem. Yeah, the computer upstairs is blocking me from getting Ad-Aware. I burn a copy and go back to the other computer...

The other computer has a pop-up, telling me I have spyware or some shit, do you want to get an adware deltion program: Yes/no? I tell it to go fuck it's selfNO, I install Ad-Aware, get any updates, and run it...

Halfway through the Ad-Aware scan, the computer reboots itself yet again. I begin to wonder why I am going backwards in this tunnel of fuck. I try McAfee under my name. Same shit. I try Ad-Aware under my parents name. Same shit. So now I'm pissed. I run Ad-Aware again and stop it before it does the reboot.

Worm found. I fucking delete that right then and there. I change the background back, and reboot. Background stays when it comes back up, I think I'm fine and dandy. I run Ad-Aware again, just in case..

Halfway through the scan, the computer reboots itself. I'm going backwards at Ludicrous Speed.

At that point, I'm like fuck it and I try deleting their user name because it seems to hiding somewhere under that one. The computer reboots in the middle of it, nulling the delete. I'm not going backwards, it's gravity pulling me in. I am in a massive black fuckhole. So now I say really screw it, do a system recovery and anything over the past couple of days'll be lost.

... Save for when I open it, there's no recovery points from before I installed Ad-Aware that day. I realize that whoever made this is good, and I will congratulate him for a job well done before stabbing him in the face.

Now it's 8 pm, and I've been up 6 pm the prior night. I still need to get ready for my birthday/brother's high school graduation dinner. I go downstairs and get ready, and I notice that I have email...

It's Comcast, telling me "Dude, you're sending out spam and a ton of other crap. We got to cock-block you." FUCK. I go upstairs and check to router next to the fucked computer. The activity lights are in seizure mode. I unplug the computer from the router. Two minutes later I get a window telling me that a program cannot find an Internet connection: Work offline/try again? I am now on the event horizon of this fuckhole. I leave it unplugged, say screw it, I'm going to dinner, then deal with it.

At dinner, I'm running the options through my head: Running anything to detect/delete this thing reboots the system. Leaving it hooked-up pisses off Comcast, and is probably spamming who know how many people. Going to Geek Squad or somesuch will be expensive and probably wind up one way. So I ask my family if there is anything important on the borked system. I get told no.

So when I get home, I take a hour nap, get my brother from work at midnight...

Sunday morning I fdisk the damned thing. I get through that, reinstalling Win XP and the drivers for the system. I fall down for about five hours.

I call Comcast Sunday afternoon, tell them what's happened, and that the computer both not hooked up to the net any longer and is getting it's drive fragged and fixed. The web goes back up, I go to work.

Sunday night into early Monday morning I'm reinstalling everything else, updating Windows, putting McAfee AND Ad-Aware on this time, while watching all my DVRed Bleach episodes. I finish sometime around 6 am. I fall back down, get up around 1, head to work.

I get back tonight and find a new "program" on the fixed system. I want death in an easy to open can. I run Ad-Aware... And it does NOT reboot the system and gets rid of it. Joy.

... I've had 13 hours of sleep in the past 80, and I realize I need a net nanny program for a 50+ year old.

And I haven't had any cake yet. WTF?
Tags: bgwc, family & friends, holiday, pain, web, wtf?

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